


The Most Dangerous Lie of All

by SocialBookWorm



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Having fun with formatting, He just...isn't sure how to deal with that, Implied/Attempted gaslighting, Logan Cares, Manipulation, No beta we let them take breaks like they deserve, Not dealing well with your emotions, Oh look! It's Roman's Christmas present, Panic Attacks, Robot Logan, Self-Deception, Someone help the nerd boy, shape shifting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-06
Updated: 2018-11-06
Packaged: 2019-08-19 22:25:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16543454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SocialBookWorm/pseuds/SocialBookWorm
Summary: …..is the one that we tell ourselves.Or: Logan’s put them all in more danger than he ever realized.





	The Most Dangerous Lie of All

**Author's Note:**

> Whoop whoop! Have a post-Learning New things about ourselves fic :p

Logan wanted to frown, but the fact that he couldn’t only made the rock in his stomach that much heavier. The claws of his puppet hands clinked together as he rose back up into the common room. The uncoordinated movements of the plastic grated on him. The fact that he couldn’t seem to keep the calm he had gotten at the end of the video grated on him as well.

It was preposterous!

They had worked through their issues in the video. It didn’t explain why something about it all felt-

felt wrong.

They had agreed. He would be less judgmental of Roman’s ideas. Roman would try better to follow the schedule. They’d hold each other to a lower standard. Consequently, it should lower much of their arguing. They would work together as a better team.

So why did it feel incomplete?

Logan watched the other three rise up, all of them returned to normal. Logan crossed his arms, the whirling of the gears that made up his current form catching the attention of the others. Patton’s face immediately split into a wide grin and Logan flinched back in anticipation for the ear-shattering shriek that would ensue.

He wasn’t disappointed.

“You stayed as a puppet!” Patton bounced on the balls of his heels. Logan wished he wouldn’t. “You did enjoy it!”

“He did say that,” Virgil pointed out dryly, and Logan turned his glare to him. He had enjoyed nothing. He was pleased with their progress and the order that had been restored, yes. But enjoyment was an emotion, _and he didn’t feel emotions_.

“I believe that you misunderstood me. I said that it was invigorating,” Logan corrected. It wouldn’t do for more misunderstandings to arise between them all.

Virgil rolled his eyes at his words, and Logan tilted his chin up in offense. He tried not to think of the way that Virgil had insisted on listening to Patton over and over again, yet did not entertain Logan’s own thoughts for a moment. _He didn’t miss the way things used to be_. Virgil still listened to him occasionally. It was enough for now.

Virgil had been the one to ask him to speak after all.

“Whatever you say,” Virgil replied. Logan nodded in satisfaction. He didn’t understand why Virgil heaved a tired sounding sigh at his reaction.

Virgil pinched the bridge of his nose and muttered something about ‘right over his head’ under his breath. Logan glanced up just to be sure he hadn’t misunderstood. Nothing hung above his head, and Logan brushed the nonsensical statement off as Virgil having spent too much time with Patton.

“Ha!” Logan jumped at Roman’s shout. “Seems like some silly ideas aren’t all that bad, huh nerd?”

“Seeing as I am _stuck_ like this, I don’t think I agree with that statement,” Logan snapped. _He didn’t feel guilty_ as Roman flinched back at his tone. Logan sucked in a deep breath. That didn’t follow what they had just talked about. Patton reached out to place a hand on Logan’s arm, and Logan’s eyes dropped to the floor.

“Now, now, kiddos,” Patton scolded, his tone gentle as he let go of Logan to reach out for Roman as well. Roman leaned into the touch and Logan didn’t understand. In that moment, he felt more distant from the rest of them than ever before as Patton continued, “We just talked about this.”

“Right, right,” Roman ran a hand through his hair. Logan wanted to scowl at the action. He wasn’t jealous, but his puppet body weighed on him even more. Roman dipped down into a half-bow in Logan’s direction. “My deepest apologies.”

“...I shall endeavor to do better,” Logan said after a moment. Patton and Roman beamed at him. Logan tried to ignore Virgil’s considering glance. The weight of his unspoken apology hung in his throat.

He shifted in place, “Now perhaps if we could take care of the more pressing matter?”

Patton’s smile wavered for just a moment. Logan didn’t understand. He had done everything correct this time, had he not?

“Why of course, Nerd of the Rings!” Roman declared, snapping his fingers.

Logan squeezed his eyes shut as the world tilted. His stomach jerked at the change, and he breathed through his nose as he stumbled. His hands hit Patton’s leg, and Logan gripped the fabric to help his equilibrium.

Wait.

His eyes snapped open. The light growing in Patton’s eyes boded unwell for what Logan currently looked like. His eyes flickered over to Roman, _and he didn’t see Roman’s embarrassment_. Virgil’s snickers cut through the silence like a thunderclap.

Logan stared at the white fuzz on his mitten-like hands. He didn’t have any fingers other than a thumb. For some reason that thought stuck with him, especially since they didn’t match the rounded appendages that were supposed to be his legs. His hand shook as he reached up for the weight on his forehead, finding a sequined horn sticking out.

Heat surged through his body as he tried to take a wobbly step away from Patton and Virgil snickered again.

“Roman,” Logan ground out. He glared at Patton as the other side crouched down to help him balance. Logan’s look made Patton retracted his hands as if burned, and he took another wobbly step alone. “What. Did you do to me?”

“I-”

Roman drew himself to full height. The heat coiling around Logan grew as he waved a hand dismissively. _He didn’t notice Roman’s moment of hesitance_.

“What do you think, Specs? You like unicorns, and now you’re one of them!” Roman said grandly. Logan watched him sweep his hand out like this was all a grand performance. “I’m conveying ideas through unconventional means just like you said.”

“And what ideas-”

“It’s just a joke Logan,” Roman cut him off.

“I AM NOT A JOKE!”

Logan’s chest heaved as the other sides flinched back away from at the force of his shout. _It didn’t hurt his feelings_. He squeezed his eyes shut, focusing on what he wanted to look like. He sighed in relief at the whoosh of air and at the way his normal feet hit the ground once more.

He opened his eyes, sweeping them coldly over the other sides. Roman flinched back. Virgil scowled. Patton reached out for him, but Logan took a step back. He smoothed down his tie and straightened his shirt. He watched the way Patton’s fingers curled in on themselves, indifferent to the feelings- to the sentiment behind Patton’s expression.

“I agreed that serious conversation could be made through unconventional means but that does not mean I agreed to be made fun of.” Logan flexed his own fingers, feeling the blood flow through his phalanges. The acid of his tone burned the top of his mouth. “So if things are resolved, I will take my leave.”

“Logan-” Patton’s quiet voice cut through the heat, and Logan’s shoulders hunched towards his shoulders. Shame swept out the remains of his anger and he glanced away from them.

~~_He wanted to hurt them._ ~~

No.

“I’ll be in my room if you need me,” Logan whispered, ignoring the cry from Patton and protests from Roman. He caught sight of Virgil rounding on Roman in anger as he sunk out and closed his eyes to block out the sight. He never meant to hurt them, any of them.

_But he didn’t know how to stop_.

Logan rose back up in his room, and with a wave of his hand, shut out the chances of anyone else interrupting him for the time being. He stood in the soothing aura of his room. He simply breathed for a moment. The cloth of his jeans stretched under his grip. The silence, normally so calming, grated on him.

An ever present reminder that he was alone.

(“Squadless geek!”)

He breathed in once more, trying to focus on the feeling of air passing through trachea. From the trachea to the bronchus, and then the actual lungs themselves. Anatomy. Simple, calming knowledge. He pictured the oxygen passing through his lungs to his heart-

Heart, Patton, word association games.

Logan’s hands shook, and he reached out blindly for the first thing he could close his hand around. He squeezed the thick cover of the book he had been reading before the video. A mystery novel, one that Roman had recommended him, and simply further proof that no matter how hard he tried to understand, he never would. Why would a book matter simply because it came from a certain person? It didn’t make sense.

_There was no use in such sentiment_.

The pages fluttered as the book flew through the air. The cover smashed against the wall, crumpling pages and Logan breathed heavily as it hit the floor with a dull thump. Roman’s insult of STUPID rang through his ears, leaving behind an emptiness. Logan wasn’t the stupid one, if any of them was stupid, it was Roman! Logan buried his hands in his hair.

_He didn’t feel a thing_.

He tried to take a deep breath, to find his equilibrium once more. Thomas needed someone calm. Thomas needed Logic. _Logan couldn’t feel for that to happen_. He felt his knees buckle, and he staggered backwards, shoulders slamming against the wall. He slid down the length. He buried his face between his knees.

_He was fine_.

He was fine.

_It would pass_.

It would pass.

All the other episodes had after all. He would wait. Wait and breathe and think about nothing at all. Once the- the hysteria had passed Logan would be able to do his job once more. He’d pick himself back up once more and attempt to get the others to see sense. His hands trembled in his hair. He’d be fine. He was fine. He could and would deal with his problem alone.

The others relied on him, if they knew he struggled-

_They wouldn’t need him for anything anymore_.

Logan surged to his feet. His footsteps echoed along his room, the sound swallowed up by the bookshelves that covered his walls. He shoved his hands behind his back. He knew that he had a point. Thomas’s current lifestyle was unstable. He squeezed his eyes shut briefly.

No, no, no. Changing careers now would make Thomas unhappy. Virgil had made a good point on how a drastic change would affect him. Increasing Virgil’s stress would only upset Patton. Logan’s eyes landed on the gift Roman had given him last Christmas. The pile of papers that made up Roman’s painstakingly done writing sat on his nightstand. A place of pride.

_Where it could mock him_.

Logan felt distant from his body as he approached the story that Roman had written him. He ran his hand over the papers so worn they turned soft. His nail caught on one of the stickers barely hanging on from the number of times Logan had picked at it in his anticipation of what came next. Logan stood suspended in time, some part of him wondering if Roman would conjure him a bound version if he asked for it. Something that would last longer.

_Something Roman would only lord over his head if he asked._

The paper crinkled under his hands. Yet another creation from Roman that drew all the attention. Even in his own room, Logan couldn’t escape it. (“I’m the most important side here!”) Creativity was bright. Creativity was bold. Roman drew the eye with every movement of his hand, with every word out of his mouth, and Logan drowned under the weight of trying to keep up. He tried everything except screaming over the glitz and glam that Roman brought.

Logan blinked, staring down at the shredded cover in his hands and sprinkled around his feet. The rest of the story lay scattered across his room, and Logan dropped the pieces of the cover in his hand in horror.

~~_He didn’t care_.~~

**No.**

“No, no, no, no, no!” Logan fell to his knees, gathering up the pages closest to him. He looked each on over carefully for rips or tears, laying them out on his bed as he started to put them all back into order. He scrambled to find any sort of tape. His eyes stung as he tried to line up the edges of each piece of the cover.

“I didn’t mean it,” he whispered, hands shaking as he tried to fix what he had broken. “I didn’t mean it, please-”

He scrubbed at his face, lips thinning as he focused on his task. Thankfully, the only thing damaged in his- his episode was the cover. He cradled one of the stickers in his hand. He could put it back. He just- he just-

_~~He didn’t care!~~ _

Logan threw himself back to his feet. He needed glue. Logan racked his mind for what the cover had looked like. He wanted it to be perfect, just the way that it had been before.

His hands still shook, and Logan felt his frustration build. He couldn’t line up the scraps the way he wanted to, and simply snapping the whole thing back wouldn’t- it would-

He curled in on himself. Roman’s creations always held a feel that Logan couldn’t replicate. He didn’t have the same energy. He didn’t have the same sort of passion. He could simply force the story back into its original form, but the true reason Logan had found such comfort reading it each night would be lost. It wouldn't be the same.

Logan fought back the sobs that wanted to rip from his throat. He deserved this. _He couldn’t control himself_. And this was what happened when he felt emotions. Nothing good ever came of it.

A tentative knock on his door startled Logan from his thoughts. He shoved the half taped up pieces of his christmas present under his bed and glanced at the closest mirror. He winced at his red rimmed eyes. With a quick shape shift, his crumpled shirt straightened out, and his wild hair lay flat against his head.

And most importantly, any signs of his emotions were gone.

_Not that he had any_.

“Logan?” Patton called out quietly. “Are you feeling- I mean, is it alright if I come in?”

Logan cleared his throat to be sure that his voice would come out smooth.

“Affirmative, you may enter,” Logan almost wanted to melt into the floor when his usual confident tone came out of his mouth.

_He couldn’t let Patton know._

Patton’s head peaked around his door. Logan noted the worried crease in his brow, and the way Patton fidgeted in his doorway. He wanted to pull the other side into his room and beg for his help. He wanted to collapse into Patton’s arms like he had seen the other two do, and wait until everything was better.

It was illogical, _and Logan couldn’t be illogical._

“Is there something that I can assist you with Patton?” Logan asked, trying not to glance at his bed.

“Well!” Patton stepped into his room, and grinned brightly. He clapped his hands together, bouncing on the balls of his heels. “Roman wanted to have a family night! We’re watching Sherlock and doing a puzzle and having toast with Crofter’s and-”

Logan stared at Patton. The subtly in which the other sides approached the situation didn’t exist. Not when Logan could be fairly certain Virgil had shoved a list of things that Logan liked at Patton and told him to get Logan to leave his room. He couldn’t help the way that his lips twitched upwards as he cut Patton off.

“If you want to spend time with me, you simply need to ask.”

Patton reached out to him. Logan hesitated before taking the hand offered to him.

“We want to do more than just spend time with you Lo’,” Patton said softly, squeezing his hand. He tugged Logan towards the door, glancing at something over his shoulder with an expression that Logan would have called dark if he didn’t know better. Logan followed him willingly, something warm and comforting spreading in his chest. “We want you to be _happy_. We mess up sometimes but we care!”

Logan sucked in a breath as they paused right outside his door. Patton smiled at him, not a large beaming grin. Something softer and infinitely more warm. He took Logan’s other hand in his and squeezed them both.

“I absolutely-doetly cherry on top of my sundae, cross my heart and stick a cupcake in my eye promise.”

“Well,” Logan cleared his throat as his voice cracked. “Well, I suppose I do have some time available.”

Patton’s smile stretched even wider across his face as he dragged Logan towards the commons and the voices he could hear coming from there already. Logan watched his back fondly, and wished that he knew how to talk to them all better. How to reach them on the same level.

Ah well, he’d figure it out.

_He could ignore any problems he had for now_.

* * *

Deceit watched Patton tug Logan from the room. He waved his fingers slowly, a smirk growing on his features as Patton threw him a quick glare before disappearing out the door. He hummed softly as the door shut. He strode towards the bed, and the secret - the _lie_ \- that Logan hid beneath it.

His smirk curled into a dark pleased smile as he pulled out the repaired pieces of the ruined cover. Not quite as much damage as Deceit had wanted but still-

He fingered the tape, and very quietly started to peel it off.

Still, tears would add up, and one day, Logan would snap, not alone, but where he wouldn’t be able to avoid hurting someone else.

Deceit left the shreds scattered alone the floor, pocketing the tape. Let Logan think that he had no regret, that he had never attempted to fix anything. He closed his eyes and even from this distance, growing ever furthered and muffled by Morality’s presence - but not gone - he could feel the lies Logan wrapped around himself. Layers and layers of self deception that made it so easy to simply-

Slip into the cracks.

Deceit reached out, and slid a finger across the chessboard Logan kept near his bedside. It spun slowly. He stopped it, staring at the changed pattern. He ran a finger down the yellow colored king flanked by two other shadows, both pawns. Across the board, a bright blue king sat circled by four other pieces. The rainbow queen by its side. The simple red and blue knights. Deceit’s eyes focused on the final shadowed pawn, wrapped in enough light blue that its black color shone almost purple. He scowled.

“Morality takes pawn,” he murmured, nudging at the purple pawn. His eyes skittered to the dark blue knight. He tapped it, watching as yellow threads seeped into it. Not enough to douse the light, or turn it a sickly green or black. Not yet at least.

“Deceit takes knight.”

He tilted his head to the side, distant laughter drifting through the cracks in the door.

“Everything is going to be _fine_ ,” he murmured, and felt the lies around Logan tighten a little bit more. He pulled his hat down over his eyes, sinking out of Logan’s room, his eyes glued to the king opposite his own before it faded from view.

“Let the games begin.”


End file.
